Everything's Nice on Mary Sue
by MaiBlack
Summary: A one shot story written in my math class. About James and Sirius and their quest to get out of History of Magic.


James looked around the room. _Merlin, this is boring. Who invented History of Magic anyway?_ Professor Binns was at his desk today, going on ceaselessly in his grating monotone voice. James looked out of the window and saw the sun go behind a particularly extra fluffy clump of clods. Binns had only been at it for a good twenty minutes, and the class's attention was wavering; their minds were wandering. Papers were rustling form every angle with such vivacity hat he had a feeling they weren't from jotting notes, but rather, sending them. The students, who were too lazy to send notes subtly, were noticeably turned around in their chairs audibly talking to their friends.

A Gryffindor girl sat in a rocking chair knitting both a scarf and matching hat at the same time. It was like this every day. When James couldn't take anymore, ("I have to get out of this bloody classroom") he nudged a snoring Sirius awake. Sirius looked groggily upward at James, who was standing now. Sirius cocked an eyebrow as if to say, "James, 'the hell are you doing?" James half smiled, and completed an expression that would've replied, "Watch me, and you'll see."

Peter, who had looked up and over at them in desperate search of amusement, looked _very_ confused. James started walking toward the Professors desk. When Binns looked up, he was quite surprised to see James standing there, gritting his teeth and holding his stomach, with a less than attractive grimace on his face.

"Professor," James spoke in a breathy tone. "I have to go to Madame Pomfrey." Professor Binns opened his mouth a little in surprise.

"What's wrong with you Trotter?" _Shit_. He hadn't planned his story this far ahead. Still he pulled something out of his ass that sounded nearly decent.

"I..." James stuttered. "I…don't know." Shit. _That sounded loads better in my head…_ at this moment, he pushed his diaphragm in, and (very dramatically) pushed out a sound that made Professor Binns say, "Oh! Well go on then!" James turned and left, still clutching his stomach and letting out odd sounds all the way to the door, where he stopped, gave a short bow. He could hear Sirius halfheartedly trying to stifle his laughter all the way out of the door.

Sirius nodded his head at James classic exit. He should wait about three minutes before he made his exit, because experience has taught him that in three minutes, Binns would've already forgotten James left.

_Times up, _Sirius thought to himself. _I wonder where James will meet me… _

Professor Binns was no longer at his desk, but instead was hovering in front of the chalkboard. Because he was a ghost, the students could see what he was writing through him. He was (obviously) the only teacher at Hogwarts who could pull this off. Since he wasn't facing the class, Sirius figured he'd just slip out of the room unnoticed, and then he wouldn't have to bother with coming up with a good lie for Binns, as James had selfish taken the one he normally used for Divination. With one last glance Sirius got onto al fours. Surprising even him, (I don't know why. Actually, it figured, since his Animagus form was a dog and all…) he quickly reached the door.

At about five feet and closing in, he was spotted. A girl shrieked when Sirius trod on her feet, then even more when he accidentally looked up her skirt.

He swore it was an accident. Nevertheless, the girl kept screaming and making a scene which caught even Professor Binns' interest. ("_Attention seeking whore_!") Now it was Remus who was laughing, and not trying at all to be quiet about it.

Sirius grabbed his knee. _No_, he thought to himself, _that doesn't make sense. If me knee hurts, how was I just crawling on it? _Professor Binns, normally rooted to one spot in front of the room, had now appeared by the girl's side. She had her arms (and legs) crossed tightly.

"What are you?"

"—I can explain, sir," Sirius interjected. Binns waited. "Well…" Sirius swallowed. "You see…" _Already not off to a good start_. "I have to go to the bathroom." He forced a small laugh. Damn James to hell for stealing his own well rehearsed performance. His impromptu skills have never been award winning. _Well, here goes. _"This is very embarrassing Professor, but I must go on." He straightened his back. "I was crawling on the floor because I had diarrhea, and I didn't want to disturb your important lesson plan with something so trivial. So, I thought that if I crawled out, I would be less prone to a…_accident_, and leave you with a nasty mess to look at. And I know you've just had the floors waxed, so if you allow me, I'd like to go to the bathroom, before I start leaking out of my—"

"You can go, Mr. Black," Binns said, nearly assertively. At this point, both Remus and Peter were bent over at their tables, hardly able to breathe. Sirius nodded curtly, and quickly left the room, still on all fours.

James met him outside of the door. "On all fours again?" James chortled. "I thought would've learned from the last time…"

"Shut up!" Sirius punched him hard on the arm.

"What took you so long anyway?" James asked, rubbing the spot Sirius had hit him. Sirius shook his head. "I was fine, when I stepped on Mary's feet, and the she caught my eyes up her skirt. But I swear, she practically asked me to. I could see her beckoning, hear her whispers…It was only for a second though."

"Oh, yeah?" James looked genuinely interested. "How was it?"

"Nice. Well, for up a girl's skirt, anyway. But you know Mary."

"Yeah," said James dreamily, "Everything's nice on Mary Sue…"

Fin.


End file.
